October Mornings

Stepping into the calm sunlight
I brushed aside with grace
a stray strand of hair
that had fallen on my face.
Dusted off the dirt from the doormat
and it scattered around me.
Filling the air with its tiny particles —
making movements, swirling all around,
like a halo, undiscovered, unbound.

It sets my memory on fire again,
everything goes back —
back to the year when it all began.
It brings back the feelings, the anticipation,
the aims and the dreams I had, the expectation.
How I gave space to someone in my heart,
was willing to give up everything just to see him smile.
How he was ready to walk with me till I obliged,
but no, not that extra mile.

Then I push it away, I try to see —
to understand this paradox,
what is happening to me?
Oh! and with a start I realize,
that what I’m looking at, is right inside.
Right inside this riven heart,
this mangled mess of a mind
A mind of sorts, I used to think
A heart hard to find.

What is this morning doing to me, I thought
could see all my wounds, in iron wrought,
wounds, that were by now gaping holes
that cried of pain, of lost goals —

— goals, that had been my life,
all the while from the start.
Dreams that were shattered,
trampled upon, tore to shreds,
uprooted, and blown apart.
It was I who let that happen, did it myself
who is to blame?
Yes it was I, who lost myself,
who treated myself as a game.

And then I push away that thought,
desperate to focus on something else.
Yet my mind takes me down memory lane,
deep into a never ending well.
The well is filled with sorrow,
melancholy dripping from its walls,
it scratches my skin, my eyes, my face,
it hurts me as I fall.

I try to waft again, desperate —
to stay afloat,
I see the other wounds, that are now beginning to bleed
while their edges, disintegrate.

Now I’m faced with all my fears,
my vulnerabilities lying out there in the open.
Glaring past me with fiery eyes,
to where my wings lay broken.

Each of them is oozing gore,
as if slashed across with blades,
making me deliberate to the core,
accept each mistake I made.

So there I stood in the fading glow,
wondering what is to come.
Will I ever be able to put this behind?
my feet were getting numb.

And then I heard a message tone,
my best friend had noticed me long gone,
I opened the text to see what it read,
“You’re not alone :)” was all it said.
And then I felt those holes close,
the bleeding stopped, the lava froze.
It was time to end the soul’s strife,
time to bring those goals to life.

So I haven’t looked back since then.
He’s stayed with me through thick and thin.
And October mornings? now ain’t that bad,
I’m going to fight, until I win.

Now I know that I will heal,
I’ve risen from my sudden keel.
Though I don’t know, what the future holds,
what I do know is I’ll be free.

So be up and working, till there’s no more pain,
till you can look in the mirror and smile again!